AdorableDynamite

Not long ago, I was asked for a smoke by a total stranger... Christ! What the hell do I do to make people think I smoke? I mean, people assume quite a few bad things about me upon sight, but I figured I would at least be considered 'decently healthy'...

Then there was the other day when I had to go for blood tests at a specialist place... which was right on the doorstep of a retirement village. Here I am, youthful and active, worrying about the test, when I am sitting in a room full of old geezers who probably have to go through much worse and have about half the disabilities known under the sun!! Oh well... At least they were nice to talk to. What continued to scare me was that I correctly guessed exactly how long a complete stranger was married... 52 years... Gee, maybe I do have powers...

I wish at least one of my parents would talk to me about their divorce...

I trust that before they got married, they did love each other... I mean surely, they are both smart enough to be sure about that before they come to such a mutual desicion... but I also know that they were and are incredibly incompatible and should not have been together to begin with. Can you believe it? You may want someone... and they may want you... but it is by being together, by giving in to love... that you hurt each other more than you could ever imagine... Two people, their lifestyle, their preferences... defeat their love... and it begins to feel as though that love was never there to begin with... If you are not going to put love first to everything... what good can it possibly be?

I'm afraid of starting a relationship... I'm scared that I will do the same mistake that my parents made... If I decide to be with someone I love, I willl either fail to consider the possible wrongs of doing so and stumble upon them (hurting us in the long-run), or I will refuse to begin and I will wind up lonely... I want to know how I can tell when and when not to make a move... How can we if we could be so sure... then later... must break apart...?

I want to know if this is normal. For the past few days, I have been really cranky. I have pretty much been insulting to everyone who crosses my path. The strangest thing is... I don't know why i'm so angry... But it just seems that I have to repress a great monster within myself every time someone even talks to me... Man, and I thought this was the time of year where everyone is supposed to be lovey-dovey...